Hypochondria

I used to struggle with hypochondria. It came to the point where I used to get so tired that I couldn't tell I was in a constant anxious state. One night it finally caught up to me. I dreamt of showering. The shower is a place where I always contemplate my day. Interestingly this time around I had the light turned off. With the lack of visual stimuli, my thoughts wandered elsewhere. I started checking in on my physical sensations. I felt a sudden pit in my stomach which in the past was always accompanied by a fainting sensation. This irked me deeply. My head started spinning. Then a sound of what I can only describe as a slew of children's screams turned to wind crossing straight through my head. These shrieks were so intense I had to try and duck down to get away from them yet I felt as if they were pushing me downward too. I found myself forced into water. The screaming dulled but so did my consciousness. I tried grasping at water in all directions for an escape. I swam upward and when I finally emerged to the surface I was laying on my bed again. Yet I knew I was still dreaming as on the wall next to my bed I was staring at my painting of a skull which should've been on my commode. Then again my head started spinning. At this point, the familiar sight brought me to an understanding of what's been happening. I've been having a panic attack while asleep. I recognized that this wreck of sensations is only going to continue if I don't do something to stop it. And so I took a deep breath and exhaled. repeating this I managed to wake myself up yet I couldn't tell exactly at what point this happened because I woke up feeling just as disoriented and out of breath. I woke up in the middle of the night with a new insight into my true psyche. I realized that I am solely responsible for my suffering. I promised myself that I would not let myself falter like this again. Since then my hypochondria has never gotten as bad as it once was. My heart still gets racy whenever I feel an emptiness inside me. I've associated this emptiness with hunger. As long as I can keep my stomach full I feel at peace. But whenever I fail to grab a snack on my way out when I know I won't be having a good meal soon, I find myself grasping for food for an escape. This artwork was initially a painting on canvas of a golden skull next to some leaves in a black background. I decided to liven it up again by painting over it with abstract forms and new colors. It did not feel finished to me so I took a photo and went on Photoshop. There I got the idea to not only paint over it digitally but also incorporate some self-portraits. At this point is when I remembered what this peace meant to me. That is when I changed my approach to more clearly tell the story of that night. Showing myself in a deep slumber down on Earth. Mountainous waves crashing over my body. my own hand ripping out my hair in madness. But all this isn't showcased in some panicked fashion. This peace emanates some sort of mellow. It's cold and slow yet it's fierce and in motion. I hope to create more art like this. This peace is unexpectedly one of my favorites because for once I wasn't trying to replicate a certain artist's style. Or tell someone else's story.